Warnings - ANGST ANGST!!! SAP!!!

Very depressing in first parts. I don't know what pushed me to write something like this. I'm a very happy person. ^_^ ;

YAOI YAOI YAOI YAOI ((d'uh, what ELSE do I write using this penname?))

C&C are welcomed and encouraged. ^_^

Flames will be used to make smores for Ifrit and his little minions. Thanks!

These guys don't belong to me!!! They belong to Square....lucky Square, gets most of the good game bishies. :p @ Square. o_O I wonder who Gackt belongs to... *gets evil ideas*

Reflections

Chapter One

By Sodoshiin

- Translation of Sekai ~Story~ original song and lyrics by Gackt

Squall

I watched the water rise and fall over the sand, running forward and back again, rythmic, mesmerizing like a slow heartbeat, almost comforting like warm arms.

It never helped to ease anything.

I'd lost.

Now there was only me.

For well over a year it had been that way.

It was the way things needed to be. I needed to be alone, people were just too painful.

I closed my eyes letting the ocean air blow strands of hair from my face with the grace of a loving caress.

The sand was damp and grainy on my bare feet. Waves surged up and splashed around my toes.

This was the only peace I could dream of now. It was the only kind I would accept.

It had gotten to the point where I couldn't even recognize my own face in the mirror anymore. The lifeless eyes, the pale skin, the thin body. When I saw myself I saw a stranger, who's cheekbones jutted from his face like someone who was dying. Which wasn't entirely a lie.

I was sick.

Sick because I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, only when my body gave out and it was either give in or die.

I didn't deserve death. There would be nothing there for me when I died. No one would be waiting. The one I longed for had never existed, so he had never died. He'd just gone away.

No, I didn't want death, but I guess I didn't want life either.

I wasn't depressed. It went beyond that.

Mourning.

Mourning was a good word for it.

Seifer....MY Seifer, had been gone for long over a year.

And something in me died.

It was still dying.

All the lonliness I'd ever felt before came back infinity fold.

Dad must have missed me terribly. I wanted desperately to be comforted, to be held like I'd never been able to as a child.

But I couldn't go home.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't go back and face the monster that was sure to be waiting for me. I didn't know if I would be able to muster enough courage to watch Seifer go back to hating me.

Or worse.

Not hating me...

Friends who were supposed to be lovers.

That's what had forced me to go in the first place.

Even with him I'd have to live without him...

At least this way I could hold back, I wouldn't have to watch him fall in love with someone else.

It made my heart sink an inch deeper every time I thought about it.

I turned and headed up the broken stone steps that winded back up to the orphanage. It was home, for now. It was condemed, or should have been. No one ventured here unless they were traveling elsewhere. I'd been visited a few time's by wary travelers. I'd even gone as far as to set up a spare bedroom in the lighthouse. When my body had been stronger I'd fixed the hole on the curving walls. It was cozy, but had only been used maybe four times in the past year.

Not that I minded being alone.

The wind pressed my dark blue jeans and stoney gray t-shirt against my frail body.

I felt old. Much older than twenty-six years. Every inch of my body ached.

If anyone knew where I was they'd done nothing about it.

I wanted to be alone. I didn't want any of them to see what he had become. I didn't want Seifer....the REAL Seifer....to pity me for what I was now. No, I wouldn't be able to stand pity from a man who was so much like the one I mourned for, but so different.

This Seifer probably hated me.

And I could accept that.

Sometimes.

Other times I cried myself to sickness, coughing so violently that blood surged from my lungs and fell in little droplets on the floor.

It was almost comforting, to know I was still capable of illness, that I was still alive.

I entered the wooden door and walked through, shutting it lightly behind me.

Empty, like always. The walls were an ugly brownish orange, the paint peeling and neglected for ten years or more. The floors were cracked and stained and creaked mercilessly as you walked over them.

The cupboards were bare.

I'd eventually go into town and shop a little.

Or that lady from the inn would stop by. She always seemed to know when I was at my lowest and took the opportunity to stop by. She was the only one who seemed to remember I existed.

Or cared.

In a way she reminded me of Hilde.

She'd come by once, when I'd passed out from sheer exhaustion and fever. She's stayed with me for a good three days until I was well enough to get around on my own.

There was a knock. Probably her.

I made my way to the other room and pulled up the door.

Sure enough, there she was, with loads of groceries and a helper with even more bags.

"How are you today Dearie?" she asked, patting me lightly on one pale cheek. She gestured to the man behind her who was struggling with the groceries as they blinded him, blocking his face. "Found a traveler who was heading up this way. Decided to bring him while I was visiting. I knew you had a spare room and the town's full this late in the season."

I allowed them to pass and watched as they disappeared into the kitchen.

"You look even worse than last time." the woman called from the other room as I began to take my own shoes off in the hallway.

"I'm fine Ginny." I replied, trying not to sound as worn as I was.

"You need to eat dear." she continued. "I swear, you get thinner and thinner every time I come here. You're going to waste away to nothing."

I headed for the kitchen when Ginny moved past me towards the door. "I'd love to stay and chat dearie but I have to head back. I'll come and visit again later in the week alright? Oh, and some gang has been making trouble in town. Terrorized Mr. Vahn's cows. Caused a ruckus at the pub. Just keep your eye out and stay clear of trouble alright?"

I nodded. "Thanks."

She just smiled and patted me on the cheek again. "And EAT."

"Hey, what about him?" I gestured toward the kitchen.

She shrugged. "Give him that room in the lighthouse for a few days. The truth is, we have a room at our place but I thought you could use some company. There's plenty of groceries for both of ya."

I just sighed. "Talk to you later."

"Bye deary."

The door shut and I headed to the kitchen.

"If I'd known you were the one she was talking about I wouldn't have come."

I stopped, my breath catching. I felt betrayed, not knowing by who, but someone hated me.

"Long time not see." Seifer called from the kitchen table, refusing to look at me.

I couldn't get my mouth to move. The thing I loved and feared the most in the world was sitting only a few feet away.

"Well." Seifer looked around. "So THIS is where you ran off to for all this time."

"Yes..." was all I could manage. I started busying himelf with putting groceries away. My hands were shaking, which was bad, shaking meant black outs. Black outs came often, leaving me sprawled on the floor with no way to tell how long I'd been out. At most they were a pain in the ass. Just another thing to deal with.

"You weren't gonna tell me about that little fling we had?"

I closed my eyes.

My hands clenched the counter tightly. I didn't know how he'd found out, someone must have told him. With the implants gone he wasn't supposed to remember a thing."Don't..."

"Don't what?" A chair roared across the floor as Seifer stood quickly, striding in my direction. "Did you think I was just going to let you run away without telling me?!"

"I didn't..." I was gasping lightly for breath as my chest began to ache. It was starting.

Seifer flipped me around, holding him with a hand around my neck, not enough to keep my from breathing, but enough to pin me back. "You fucking bastard! you just...." his words faded away and his face fell.

He must have finally gotten a good look at me.

Here it would come, the mocking laughter, the sneering, the pity. I was weak, and now he had proof.

His mouth moved by no sound came out.

I weakly flung the hand off my neck, knowing a bruise was probably already starting to form and braced myself against the counter as a dizzy spell hit me.

"Jesus, you look like a fucking skeleton...." Seifer managed.

"Let me by..." I demanded weakly, blinking slowly as my head spun. "I need to...go upstairs and lay down...."

My body must have begun to sway because Seifer was holding onto me by my shoulders.

"What the fuck have you been doing to yourself?"

"Doesn't matter....." I whispered, starting to feel heavy.

"Hey, I know you don't just waste yourself away for nothing."

"Please, just let me go......."

Seifer complied and I began to sink to the floor.

"Look." Seifer let out a huff. "I just need a place to crash for a few days. I'll stay in the lighthouse or something. But I don't want to see you at ALL." Seifer turned heal and walked out.

I sat on the floor, breathing deeply, trying to stay concious.

Why couldn't people just let me die in peace?

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