Frustrated
By Alix Vitesse
Author's Note: I think I must have gone through some sort of identity lapse. I have no idea what has been going, or what's been messing with poor, young Ali's head, but I have a feeling it got awfully bored with me and attacked someone else. Anyway, I got bored one day and passed by my "Needs" trilogy and decided to re-read it. WHAT WAS GOING ON WITH ME?! I start off with a story-tell, and then it becomes a ramble of my feelings-slash-their-feelings. My "poetic" phase (which, by far is my scariest phase ever) is gone now, and I've decided to rewrite the sequels for Needs. Jesus, I swear people must have gone "Whoa..." after reading those. Here it is everyone. Has basically the same plotline as "Deaf" except it's more detailed, and actually tells why it's happening. Not most people got it was a dream. And just like moi to make this one a one-word title...
* - Song lyrics indication
Disclaimers: Final Fantasy VIII belongs to whosoever created it. "Frustrated" belongs to The Moffats (yeah, yeah...).
Other Stuff:
Pretty short; the whole thing is a dream sequence.
AU... but considering it's a dream, maybe not.
Please don't kill the author for making it seem like Seifer died.
Frustrated
By Alix Vitesse
*Rage I hold within my soul
*At times I cannot control
*What's the point of being here?
*When being me is what I fear
Seifer's eyes followed Squall's limping body. He tried to force a smile, but he could only manage one whenever he felt he needed to; whenever he was around Squall. His bruised eyes were a bit glazed over from the haziness that had taken over him after their battle. He slumped against the wall for balance, softly as to not distract Squall. Fortunately, he didn't, and he was able to think about the situation.
The secret had been kept between them for a while, and the whole thing bothered him. Squall -he once promised to Seifer that nothing would change, right? That they would appear rivals to the human eye, and still be rivals when in the eyes of their hidden world. He promised, that no matter what, he wouldn't change because of their confessions. But just knowing that Squall had lied was killing Seifer inside.
He had been receiving these looks from everyone around him, because Squall had suddenly gone from "I hate you Seifer!" to "Hey, Seifer, buddy!". He tried as hard as he could to push Squall away, but all Squall did was grin stupidly and drag him around.
Seifer knew that if this continued, his feelings would give in and he would finally announce that he was with Squall. And after a few months, he knew that Squall would get tired of being with him, or vice versa. And then the love which Seifer had cherished for so long would just vanish for the stupidest reason ever. Boredom.
He looked up to Squall, who was heading back to help him up. He could see the warmth, the care, the love in Squall's blue eyes. Eyes that seem to just be begging for Seifer to hate them. Squall had extended an arm to the fallen Seifer, offering a lift to his dorm. Seifer glanced at him indifferently, and shook his head lightly.
"No thanks, Leonhart. Just leave me alone." He said, his tone forcing itself to be cold, just for Squall to notice the hate again. The forget everything. To be normal.
But Squall only smiled and nodded. That churned Seifer's stomach, making him sick.
"Are you sure? I'll be in my dorm if you need me..." He began to limp back. Seifer wanted to puke everything inside him out.
Squall had mentioned his dream to Seifer. About how he thought that Seifer was his answer to everything. And Seifer was. But Seifer didn't want to be. He just wanted to love Squall from afar, to be able to keep a secret to himself and dream about being truly complete in his mind. To be a mortal angel, and watch over a child until he found true happiness.
I loved you Squall. I loved you because you were a challenge. You weren't scared of me. I was the only person in the world that you felt something so passionate for, that you would go at all odds to be better. And I loved you, hating me. But now you're suddenly so happy toward me. Happy never made me happy, Squall. I thought you would have known that, loving me and all that bull that I almost believed. But no more. I'm not going to fall for your lies anymore.
Seifer stood up with his remaining strenght and trudged his way back to his dorm. He gasped for a breath, and then headed for a dresser drawer near his bed. He pushed everything aside and shuffled through the contents of the drawers. He began going ballistic and throwing everything around, until he found what he wanted. A slim, black-handled switchblade.
*I've prayed that I was free
*Of this grief that's killing me
He sat, sprawled onto the bathroom floor, shakily grasping the revealed switchblade in his palm. A tear stained his pale cheek and he threw the knife aside and grabbed a white piece of paper and a pen. He began to write his last memoirs.
Silver. Such a pretty color, this silver. It reminds me so much of human flesh.
Oh, for a few minutes could I still feel lust and passion creating a whole new energy in our love. Those moments, when our bodies would mingle to form one. When you'd scream my name, and I in turn yours. When you'd reach the ultimate pleasure and I'm driven to mine. When you whisper those sickening three words into my ear, your voice spilling with mendacity and deceit.
Yes, indeed, silver is quite a pretty color. It reminds me much of the knife in my hand. That beautiful, smooth steel Bringer of Joy. I did admit that I hated happy, didn't I Squall? But you know, I was never much for pain either.
Don't get me wrong, my love. I will always love you. But I am a coward, and I have proven that more than once in our history. And a coward is a coward; no matter what feat he performs to cover his true self with the veil of heroism.
Squall, I want you to listen. Listen to the silent screams of everyone around you. Listen to the sound of the rain. Listen to what those around are saying to you. Listen to your heart. And whether you want them to or not, every word will hurt. Every single word will hurt like hell.
But not for me. The world can't touch me when I can't feel. The world had always been cruel to me. Well, this is what the world gets.
Seifer tossed the paper aside, as his now-free tears began to drop upon it.
And as the paper slid, a last breath was inhaled. A clank of metal clangs against the ground, and crimson claims the ivory of the paper.
*Everywhere I turn
*Every bridge must burn
Squall's eyes widened in the silence of the night. His heart was beating so hard, it felt as if it were going to burst out of his chest. Yet, the velocity of the heat inside his body could not compare to the coldness of Squall's body. He lay still, breathing even breaths, as flashbacks of the dreadful dream played in his mind like a polychrome movie of what might be.
He couldn't bear to look beside him. But he also couldn't bear the painful curiosity.
Squall turned to look, and met Seifer's face. His almost-angelic glow and wisps of silver-blonde hair assured Squall that all of it -every single word in Seifer's voice, was just a dream.
But were all of Seifer's painful words... true?