Heroes: Seifer

By Alexis Logain

- "Hero" by Chad Kroeger, The Spiderman Soundrack

"It was slightly surreal, the world around me after finally killing Ultimecia. Everything was black for me and it felt like I was walking through water. Later, everyone told me that where they were...it was like walking through light - all white and pure. Like floating on air - that's what Zell told me. But me...it was dark and hot and it almost hurt. Maybe it's because I was the most confused of us all - or maybe it's because I was just plain old lost.

I don't know why I was lost. I was the one in charge - I was the one with the plan. Sure, it consisted of go in, kill Ultimecia, get out alive...but it was still a plan. I didn't expect for it to be as easy as it was...or as hard. And then to see Matron there, all those years ago...looking after, well, me. That was odd. I saw how alone I was and how lonely I made myself. I never expected you to pull me out of my shell. I never expected to actually love you. I can remember the day that I met you...how I felt that immediate connection and pull to you. I've never loved anyone before. You have to know that I didn't know what to do with it - you have to know that. Oh sweet Hyne...I loved you so much. I guess I still do, but I don't know what to do. I never really realized it until that day.

When I was wondering in that endless desert...I kept seeing you in my mind's eye - kept projecting your image in the mirages. Maybe it really was you. I'll never be sure now. I never did get the chance to ask. But I knew then that I really did love you and nobody else, not ever.

It sorta slammed into me. I sure as hell wasn't expecting it. I mean, I guess I had little hints that I had fallen for you - dreams, little jumps in my stomach whenever you were around, my heart pounding every single time I thought about you...which was a lot. It still is. In my dreams, you're still there. Still with me.

I had a really good one last night. I was falling and falling and I couldn't stop. And then, all of the sudden, you were there and you reached out and you caught me. And you held onto me, tight. I couldn't get away. I didn't want to. I started crying because it felt so right being with you and I knew in my mind that I never can be. And then you kissed me. I can still taste it - warm and liquid and just a hint of that gum you always chewed. I ran my fingers into your hair and planted my body against yours, feeling the warmth and skin. We made love there, in the floating darkness. There wasn't anything there to support our bodies, just us, and we never let go of each other...not once. And when I woke up, I was crying. I doubt I'll ever feel like that again.

Hyne! Why did you have to die on me? Huh? Dammit! I love you - don't you get that? Why did you leave me? Everyone leaves me...Sis, Matron, my mom, Laguna...I can't handle this - why you too? I love you so much...I'm sorry it's taken so long but it's not like I ever expected to actually fall in love with you. It's not like we're an obvious couple or something.

I'm sorry...I'm so sorry I never told you how much you mattered. How much I needed you. I never could have gotten through everything if it weren't for you. Especially after killing Ultimecia. You were there to help me through being Headmaster. I never really expected it. I know it was hard on you, giving up what you wanted to be with me. I need you...so much. It hurts so badly, not having you near.

It was such a shock when you got sick. I mean, I guess I kinda always knew you were getting sick...but I never really got it until that first time you passed out in my office. Dr. Kadowski says that there isn't anything we could have done to prevent it - that you had gotten sick from when time was compressed...you got a virus from the future that we couldn't cure.

My first instinct was to take you away - take you back to the orphanage where we could get away from the world and be safe. But I couldn't. They wouldn't have understood. They wouldn't have let me get away from my duty. And I hate it - I hate them for it. But they still don't understand.

I wanted to resign today. But I remembered what you told me when I had mentioned it before. How I deserved it - the prestige, the attention, the respect. That I worked hard and had an even harder life in my twenty short years. How everyone owed me their lives, let alone a shitty position of a Garden. I have to go back to that now, don't I? I can't even mourn you in peace - they're calling for me to be done already. I have to be the strong, emotionless leader.

I have to wonder...will I ever see you again? See that grin that lit up the sky...lose myself in your eyes? Hyne that sounded corny. Did you even know I loved you? Did you love me back? Hyne, I'm so confused. I feel like I'm back in that blackness that I was falling in after Ultimecia, in that dream. I feel like I'm suffocating, that I'm not getting enough air when it's all I'm surrounded by. I can feel it closing in around me, cutting off all light and logic and control, leaving only emotion and pain. And I can feel that emotion, that pain, cutting into my skin like a thousand knives. A thousand dull knives all poking into my skin and shredding my body into pieces until I don't think I can take it anymore and I just want to scream and so I do and nobody even looks up to see what's going on. Because nobody can understand what goes on in a hero's mind.

But I'm not a hero. I did what I had to because I had to. Because nobody else would have and I didn't like the prospect of dying. Not then. Now, perhaps...but that would be weak. So I can't. I have to live up to it. I have to be Squall Leonhart - the Lion of Balamb. One of Centra's finest. You called me a hero once. I think you were joking about it - how I always came to your rescue, even if I hadn't wanted to. That was after you believed love could solve everything. I can remember when you were gentle and quiet...almost passive. I can't quite place when you changed, when you started fighting back. And then you got sick and stopped fighting. Why did you have to stop fighting? Why did you have to look at me with those big eyes of yours, pleading for me to make the pain go away...pleading for me to be your hero...I couldn't do it - I couldn't save you. Oh, Hyne, I'm so sorry. I tried to save you - I tried so hard...but I just couldn't do it. You're not the weak one - you never were. It was me...all me. Please...I'm sorry...I tried so hard...

They're calling for me again. I have to go...but I'll be back. Hyne, how can I live without you? I can't do it. If...if I die...will I go to the same place as you? Will you welcome me or will you hate me? Oh Hyne, what do I do? Why can't you just come back to me?

I love you."

Squall stood, his quiet tirade now silent as he trudged back to his friends. They couldn't quite understand why he was so upset. Trying to comfert him, Rinoa slid over and wrapped her arm around his waist.

"At least he didn't suffer, Squall. He went quietly, in his sleep. Give him that much, alright?" She smiled up at him and snuggled closer. Behind them, a warm breeze rustled through leaves and flowers at the shaded grave.

Seifer Almasy
SeeD
21 years was not enough

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