Enigmatic Hatred

Part 12

By Shade

It took several hours longer for Seifer to wake up. By then Squall was asleep once more as was the cat at his side. Jade green eyes opened to dark brown hair and pale skin. Puzzled he lifted his head from Squall’s shoulder, leaning back against him as he slid forward “Heh,” Seifer smirked, raising an arm from under Squall’s and running his fingers through the brunette's hair “Squall?”

Squall opened his eyes at the sound of his name being spoken. It was early enough so that he was only sleeping lightly now. Seeing Seifer, he remembered the night before “I guess I missed my ride out of here, huh?” he asked with a weak smile. He might have been through crying at the moment but he still felt quite sick.

Seifer didn’t say anything but instead returned the smile and pressed a kiss to his forehead “We don’t have to go back yet, I can get us rooms,” with a slight laugh he added- “Don’t worry they’ll be separate.”

“No,” Squall said softly, putting the still sleeping cat in his shallowest pocket so that it could still breath and also allow him to walk. However, a wave of nausea hit and within moments he was dropping to the ground, wincing as he gagged.

“Woah!” Seifer caught the smaller male before he could hit the ground, arms wrapped around his middle he shook his head “I’m carrying you more and more places,” Seifer sighed, scooping him into his arms and starting for the nearest hotel.

“All right,” Seifer placed Squall onto the bed, sitting down beside him “I guess you should just try to get some more sleep,” Hands moved to prop Squall up as he removed his jacket, standing as he did so.

Squall went onto his side and closed his eyes. He wasn’t sure he could sleep, not anymore than he already had today. Of course he didn’t feel like doing much of anything either. As his mind again began to wander to earlier events, Seifer’s voice sent him bolting upright.

“The hell is that!”

The kitten! Squall crawled towards the end of the bed almost laughing upon seeing Seifer pressed up against the opposite wall, staring at the hissing ball of fur upon the table “I found him,” Squall chuckled in a hoarse voice “Last night.”

“What is it?” Seifer demanded still glaring at the thing on the table.

“A kitten, what do you think it is?”

Seifer drew a little closer to the animal “It’s too small,” he muttered appraisingly “You’re going to have to waste a lot of money on formula...or whatever the thing eats...”

Squall blushed slightly “I know, I was kinda wondering if you would...ah...”

Eyes tore from the kitten to fix on Squall “I’ve gotta take care of this thing now!”

“No!” Squall struggled to stand only to have Seifer cross the room quickly and push him back down

“Just stay there. I’ll do it, it’s fine,” Seifer sighed and sat down next to Squall. Allowing him to lean against his shoulder in order to support himself, Seifer raised a hand to rest against Squall’s cheek “I’m going to go shopping now, okay?” he asked, tilting Squall’s head to meet his eyes.

Squall frowned. He didn’t have to treat him like a child. Of course he couldn’t quite convince himself of that. He didn’t want Seifer to go, he didn’t want to be alone for even a minute. Squall swallowed his objections and simply nodded “That’s fine.”

Seifer nodded and pulled away “Is there anything I can get you while I’m out?” the question was a bit awkward. Squall could tell Seifer didn’t know how to address the situation.

With a shake of his head, Squall lye back against the cushions once more and closed his eyes. Within moments he felt a tiny body at his side and head Seifer’s voice “He’s not staying with my stuff. I’m hoping you’ll roll over on him.”

You don’t know what you’re doing. Seifer removed a can of powdered kitten milk from a small group of shelves and made his way towards the front of the store. He didn’t know what to do about all this? He’d never had to comfort anyone before and he knew Squall would probably get worse as the night progressed. Depression and loss seemed to work that way, he knew from experience.

Placing his groceries before the cashier, Seifer glanced towards the front door, looking through the glass and to the street. He wished he was the one going through all this right now. It would be easier, he’d know how to handle it...and Squall wouldn’t have to learn...

“That’ll be 126G.”

Seifer glanced back to the teen at the cash register “How much!” Seifer shook his head. He needed to just get back to the hotel room “Fine, here, take it.” he snapped, tossing the sum onto the counter and gathering the groceries into his arms. He was running low on money. Hotel rooms and groceries didn’t come cheap. Balancing his new load, Seifer walked the short distance back to where he was staying and nudged the door open. It was from the doorway that he spied the service phone. He did need to call the Garden didn’t he?

“Cid?”

“It’s your favorite student, Seifer, and you’re private number isn’t Private enough ‘Headmaster’”

“I found Squall, ah, we’re staying here for a few days. I’m-ah-not sure if he’s in any condition to go back to the Garden just yet.”

There was a sigh on the other end of the phone. It sounded as though Cid was relived.

“I-I’m not sure that would be a good idea Cid. I think he would have stayed at the Garden if he wanted to see her...or at least have stayed in their room before hand...I’ll run the idea by him though, if he wants he to come I’ll call ya’ back.”

Seifer hung up the phone and nodded his thanks to the older lady at the counter. Gathering the bags back into his arms, Seifer climbed the stairs back to his room and opened the door “Hey, I’m back.” setting the groceries down on the table, he glanced to the bed only to find Squall missing. Before he had a chance to react, a whimper sounded behind him. Looking in the direction of the small kitchen, his eyes fell upon Squall. The younger man was sitting on the floor, back against the counter. One arm was folded over his drawn knees, head buried against his elbow. The other arm was stretched out over his legs, wrist hanging limp as a stream of blood dripped from his fingertips.

“Squall!” Seifer blanched, moving faster than he ever had before to kneel at the brunette's side. “Squall!” he repeated, hands rushing to inspect his wrist.

“What are you doing?” came a weak voice.

Seifer quickly realized that the only cuts were on his hands, these seemed to be from broken glass, a few shards of which still protruded from his fingertips. Raising his head, he glanced at Squall. He had clearly been crying while he was gone “What the hell did you do!” Seifer demanded, almost angrily.

Squall jumped slightly, looking down “I was thirsty, I guess I-I mean I’m sorry.”

Indeed there were ruminants of a broken glass beside him.

“I’ll clean it up.”

“No,” Seifer sighed, feeling quite guilty now “It’s all right, come on, let’s clean you off first,” standing, Seifer took Squall by the forearm, pulling him to his feet and leading him into the bathroom “Sit here,” he instructed, motioning to the toilet lid.

Squall sat, watching as Seifer pulled the remaining glass shards from his hand.

Seifer felt the eyes upon him and his eyes raised to meet Squall’s “I’m not hurting you am I?” he asked, puzzled as to why he was receiving such looks.

“No,” Squall said simply and when no more was said Seifer decided to initiate conversation...one that lead up to something that needed asking “I, ah, called Cid,” Squall’s expression didn’t waver and after a pause, Seifer continued “He said you can stay here a while, thinks it’s best.” Pulling out the last of the glass, Seifer snatched a washcloth from the towel rack by the sink and moistened it “They were worried about you, I’m sure they were. You shouldn’t have run off like that,” Seifer dabbed away the blood “...She was worried too ya know...”

Squall tensed slightly but Seifer had to ask “Cid wants her to come her, switch out with me. If you want-”

“No!” Squall shouted, snatching his hand away and storming from the bathroom “It’s her fault she’s dead in the first place!” As though realizing what he had just said, Squall collapsed onto the bed, shoulders shaking violently as he cried.

Seifer was still standing where he was, still holding the washcloth. He wasn’t sure he wanted to walk in there and face him....he clearly wasn’t helping...A bit reluctantly he sat the cloth on the sink corner and started towards the bed “Look Squall,” he started a bit nervously, hands moving to his pockets as he stood a few feet from the man on the bed “I don’t claim to like the girl...but you shouldn’t hate her for this...She didn’t mean for this to happen. I’m sure she feels horrible about everything...I’m sure...”

“Shut up!” Squall buried his face in the mattress, hands coming to the top of his head and fingernails digging into his scalp.

Seifer took a step back but in silent realization gave Squall’s shaking figure a stern look and moved forward “Damnit Squall it’s not her fault! Ellone wouldn’t want you to blame her!” Squall continued crying. Seifer had had enough, he didn’t want to see Squall like this. This wasn’t the SeeD he knew at all, the man he knew would never act like this “Glad she’s not around to see this. I’m sure she’d be ashamed of her ‘little brother’” Seifer spat under his breath, scooping the sleeping kitten from the bed he took it to the table. Placing it on the cloth and shifting angrily through the bag for the formula he had purchased.

Seifer froze halfway through his actions as a pang of guilt hit. Hoping Squall hadn’t heard him, he looked back to the bed. Clearly he had. The brunette had ceased his crying, though he stayed where he was and every few moments a sobbing spasm ran through his body “Squall,” Seifer stood, moving, again towards the bed “I’m sorry, I didn’t think. I didn’t mean it I-”

Squall raised his head, causing the blonde to wince as he caught a glimpse of his pained expression “No, y-you’re right,” he managed to get out a bit slowly.

Upon instinct Seifer sank down onto the mattress beside him, moving against the headboard and pulling Squall up against him.

Squall leaned in against the other man’s chest, squeezing his eyes shut and gripping the fabric of his shirt tight “It’s not her fault and I know it-it’s just-” Squall gave several spasms again, causing Seifer to squeeze the smaller man closer with a soft “Shh.” Squall calmed slightly and continued “It’s just that if it isn’t Rinoa’s fault...that means it was only mine...” fingers tightened against Seifer’s tight t-shirt as Squall began crying almost silently this time.

Seifer only smiled “It wasn’t your fault, you couldn’t have known and even if you had you couldn’t have done anything about it.”

Squall lifted his head, releasing Seifer’s shirt slightly “I could have gotten her away from it, if I’d been there-”

The smile quickly became a frown “Are you just convinced that someone has to be responsible? If you wanna blame someone blame that thing that killed her!”

“But-”

“Ah!”

Several long moments of silence followed before Squall nodded “Will you help me?”

Seifer stared, it was quite the general question. Gathering his thoughts he smiled once more “I’ll do everything I can.” he said in a gentle tone, that despite its uncharacteristic nature suited him well.

Without warning there came a loud meow from the table. Obviously someone wanted a meal. “Ah,” Seifer groaned and looked down at Squall “I think I’ve got to feed that thing.”

Squall reluctantly let go, watching as Seifer stood and walked to the table. Rolling his eyes slightly as he tried to figure out how to make the powder into a liquid “Are you hungry?” he asked as he put water into the bowl before him.

“No,”

Seifer frowned over his shoulder “You haven’t eaten anything all day, you’re having something anyway...as soon as I feed this thing...” Tossing the spoon he had used to stir to the side, Seifer sat the bowl beside the kitten. Nothing happened.

“It’s too small,” Squall watched the kitten continue mewing “Isn’t there a bottle or something in that canister.”

Seifer’s mouth dropped open a bit. Taking a few steps to the counter he removed the top from the can and looked inside “...you’re kidding me...”

“I think it’s a cute look for you Seifer.”

“Shut up,” the blond frowned at the kitten drinking from the tiny bottle in his hands. Squall obviously found Seifer’s discomfort quite amusing...Seifer looked as though he was going to die...Sitting at the end of the bed he shot Squall a dirty look as the other man made an “Aww’ing” sound as the kitten batted at Seifer’s fingers “Why aren’t you doing this?”

Squall put a spoonfull of soup into his mouth “Because I’m eating.” he smiled slyly, feeling much better than he had earlier “-and because it’s very sexy?”

That was out of the blue. Seifer raised his eyebrows “It is?”

“Mmm,” Squall followed the broth in his mouth and shook his head “No, maybe adorable’s a better word.”

“I don’t like you,” Seifer lowered his eyes back to the kitten who promptly moved its head to the side “Is it done?”

“Yes,” Squall finished his soup and sat it to the side, reaching forward to relive Seifer of the feline.

“It’s about time,” Seifer grumbled, getting to his feet and taking the bowl from the nightstand.

“But it has to eat every two hours,” Squall added quickly.

Seifer gave an even louder groan, slumping dramatically over the sink. He had never been good with animals and that thing in the room was no expectation to his luck.

“Hey, what time is it?”

Seifer looked back to Squall who had managed to make the kitten a bed beneath the nightstand. It was now curled in a pillowcase, purring contently. Seifer moved his eyes from the kitten to the window and shrugged. The sun seemed to have gone down. Had the day passed this quickly? “I suppose it’s at least past six,” he guessed “Why, you tired?”

Squall shrugged in response. He knew he shouldn’t be but he was. He had done nothing all day and he was still tired “I guess so.”

Seifer rinsed out the milk bowl “Well go to sleep. I’ll take the sofa.”

“No.”

Seifer raised an eyebrow, glancing to Squall somewhat puzzled.

“What?” Squall offered a soft smile “I don’t want to be alone and I know you don’t mind sharing a bed with me...at least I think you don’t...”

Seifer quickly shook his head and after a few minutes of straightening things, removed his shirt and tossed it on the sofa. Switching off the overhead lights he moved into bed beside Squall.

“Thanks,” Squall muttered, leaning forward to rest his head on Seifer’s shoulder as the blond pulled the blanket over them.

Seifer didn’t answer, he just continued to lye there. He wasn’t quite sure how to respond. Making a move on a guy who was in the middle of a mourning process didn’t seem right. He didn’t stay there awkwardly for long however, Squall spoke up soon enough.

Pulling away from Seifer, he switched the bedside lamp on with a click He apparently sensed Seifer wasn’t quite ready to fall asleep...or simply unable to...”You can stay up if you want.” Squall raised his head to look to Seifer.

“Like there’s anything else to do,” Seifer smiled but Squall simply sat up a bit more.

An initiation of conversation seemed necessary and there was one question that had been on his mind anyway “When you came in...you know...earlier...w-what did you think I’d done...?”

Seifer felt his face grow read. He knew what he’d though but wasn’t quite sure how to word it “I thought you’d tried to...agh...oh hell, you know what I thought.”

As Seifer averted his eyes, Squall’s widened “Why would you think I’d sink to something like that?” he shook his head “That wouldn’t help anyway, especially not Ellone. Only cowards try to back out of things like that.”

“’Guess you’re right. I am a coward aren’t I?”

Squall felt short of breath, eyes moved quickly to where Seifer had gone onto his side, back now to the puzzled brunette “What -what are you talking about?” Squall managed, though he knew all to well what the older man meant. Seifer seemed aware of this as well. He didn’t answer “You didn’t-” Squall, sat up completely now, trying his best to urge Seifer on. When still no answer came he assumed the worst “Damnit Seifer, when!” he sounded genuinely worried, his voice close to tears and for good reason. He couldn’t take anymore surprises today.

Seifer clearly already knew this “It’s nothing, okay, just go to sleep,” he cursed himself for saying something in the first place now.

Squall wasn’t about to let his question go unanswered “When!” he demanded, almost shouting.

Seifer groaned in defeat and sat up beside Squall “Two years ago,” he muttered “When I’d left the Garden for a while.”

“Squall kept his eyes on Seifer “You left the Garden a second time.”

With a sad laugh the blonde nodded “See, you wouldn’t notice would you? I doubt anyone did.” noting Squall’s guilty expression he shook his head “Don’t worry about it. It’s not as if you didn’t have other things on your mind.”

Swallowing Squall once again urged him on “Why did you leave?”

“Why do you think?” the sad smile remained and nervously Seifer ran a hand through his hair “After a year of no one speaking to you but to offer threats or go so far as to act them out...I was sick of the Garden...I went to Esthar” a dark laugh followed “and the ironic thing was, things were no better there. I guess I’m a household name huh?” after a momentary pause he continued “I guess it was even worse there, heh, no school rules to keep them down. Suppose it wouldn’t have been a problem if I’d made any attempt to fend them off...if seemed a bit pointless though...still does,” Seifer sighed “To make a long story short I stayed there a month before putting a razor to use in a motel room. Next thing I knew I was in a hospital room with your dad jumping down my throat about the whole thing.”

Squall found it hard to speak. His father had known what had happened and hadn‘t bothered to tell him? He bit his lower lip “L-Laguna knew?”

“Yeah,” Seifer smiled once more, pulling up his knees under the covers and resting his hands upon them to inspect his wrists “Your dad’s a pretty nice guy.”

Squall ignored the latter, focusing his attention on where Seifer’s own eyes lay. Leaning forward he looked over Seifer’s wrists himself. No wonder he had never noticed before. Matching white scars, though quite visible upon scrutiny were well hidden otherwise. Squall paled. Suddenly he felt himself fall forward over Seifer, tears starting up once more “You idiot!” he shouted feeling the blond give a start underneath him.

“-Squall,”

“You wouldn’t do that again right?” Squall raised his head, meeting Seifer’s jade green eyes with his own tear-blurred, brown hues “I mean you weren’t thinking then...you wouldn’t do anything like that now...right?”

Seifer stared at him for several long moments before the smile returned and her put his hands around the small male before him “You’re with me now Squall,” he laughed “As lame as that sounds it’s the truth...I’m fine as long as I have you...”

Crying silently, Squall moved forward, placing a fierce kiss upon Seifer’s lips before pulling back “As long as I’m with you.” sitting in front of him now, Squall reached forward, taking Seifer’s hands in his own “Seems a little selfish doesn’t it?” he asked as he moved his fingertips across a faded scar “What if I’m not always with you?”

Seifer shook his head, looking away.

After a few more moments of silence Squall leaned in again, another kissed placed upon the other man’s lips only this time he stayed close “But you have me now,” he whispered and then, as if that hadn’t caught Seifer off guard- “You’re not a virgin are you?”

Green eyes widened but in his shock he managed to answer anyway “No, I guess I’m not, why-”

Squall pulled back, blushing furiously as he did so “Hyne...Seifer..do I have to spell it out for you!” he demanded, the one to look away this time.

Seifer still looked genuinely shocked “You want to....-now...?”

“Agh!” Squall gave and exasperated groan, falling back towards the head of the bed “Forget I said anything, for some reason I thought this would be easier.”

Seifer let the surprised look fade and without warning began to laugh.

“It’s not funny,” Squall muttered, throwing his arms over his face as he spoke.

“So you’re a virgin then?” Seifer sounded slightly relieved though the sound of his voice didn’t quite hit Squall.

“So,” he muttered almost petulantly “What’s wrong with that?”

“Nothing,” Seifer lifted a hand from Squall’s face “That’s great,” lips settled upon pale fingers and his smile widened as he realized Squall was once again wearing his ring.

Squall lowered his other arm and looked up at Seifer “So we’re going to-”

“Will you stop confirming so much?” Seifer laughed softly, lowering Squall’s hand and lowering down to place a kiss upon his lips-silencing the smaller male.

Squall raised his hands onto Seifer’s bare back, squirming slightly as he felt familiar hands slip downwards and under his shirt. The surprisingly gentle touch slid slowly up lips moving down as palms raised.

“Ah,” Squall felt a tongue tracing his chest and raised his arms as Seifer continued to pull the brunette's shirt off and absently toss it to the floor. Almost immediately he settled his mouth upon Squall’s neck and shifted the attention of his hands to unbuttoning the other’s pants.

“Seifer,” he hissed a bit nervously as leather pants slipped pas his thighs and onto the floor as well, hands now moving along his bare waist.

The blonde pulled upward, pushing a wisp of hair from his eyes “If you want me to stop I can,” it was obvious that he wasn’t fond of the idea but of course he had no intentions of raping Squall either.

“No,” Squall breathed, relaxing as much as he could on the pillows behind him “I’m fine.”

“Good,” smirking Seifer moved downwards again, one arm moving over Squall’s shoulders as the other unbuttoned his own pants.

Squall swallowed as he heard yet another piece of clothing fall to the ground. He couldn’t help but be nervous. Squeezing his eyes closed, her moved his head to the side, feeling his heart pound as the touch upon his waist returned, this time moving downwards, fingers moving along his hips. The arm at his shoulders forced its way against the small of his back, causing Squall to arch and giving Seifer room to move his second hand under him as well. He felt Seifer use his elbows to raise off of him as unexpectedly, at least to Squall, he pushed upwards and into him.

Squall yelped, legs rising around Seifer and eyes opening to meet the blonde’s worried gaze.

“Are you all right?”

He nodded, somewhat timidly as Seifer pulled back but had little time to do anything else. As soon as the fact that Squall was all right was acknowledged, Seifer moved back downwards. Hips moving down against Squall’s and hands moving back to his shoulder’s this time.

“Mm,” arousal hit Squall and hard. He pulled himself upwards, farther against Seifer, fingers pressing into his lover’s back. He felt a warm breath against his neck as arms circled around his back. Seifer sat back, pulling Squall against him.

“Squall,”

Squall smiled softly, that nervous feeling had long depleted. Senses array he felt Seifer‘s touch against his cheek and leaned into it with a catlike purr. Lips touched where the hand had once been and fingers slid down his neck. One arm still looped around Squall he moved him back to the mattress so that he was on his side.

Squall kept his eyes closed, hands raising to take to hand at his neck, lips brushing against his fingertips. Slowly the hand slipped from his grasp to rest on his shoulder. Without thinking Squall made the slight shift to his abdominan. He welcomed the feeling of the other man over him and within moments he felt Seifer inside him once again “Ah!” Squall whimpered, his fingers tightening this time on the sheets.

Seifer’s hands settled over Squall’s and he moved deeper.

Squall yelped a second time but the sensation of pain faded within moments. Seifer pulled back then downwards a second time. Now the feeling was replaced with one Squall had never experienced before. A moan different from the ones before escaped his lips and his voice grew louder as Seifer moved faster. Excitement coursed through Squall’s small form and unable to take any more his arms tensed and he pushed upward. Almost immediately his body gave out and he collapsed. His body fell into an arm Seifer had moved forward to catch him, the other lower, meeting the climax.

“Seifer,” Squall said softly, opening his eyes slowly, suddenly feeling undescriblly tired and without any idea as to why. Blue eyes settled upon the blonde who was currently cradling in him in his arms. Seifer was again looking down upon him with a smile somewhere between sadness and content.

Exhaling he leaned in for one more kiss, “I love you,” he whispered into his ear before lowering Squall back onto his side and then moving himself behind him.

Squall closed his eyes once more, feeling them moisten as he raised his hands to meet Seifer’s as the circled around his stomach. This felt so right, he reasoned. A gunblade master, who had defeated a sorceress, the pride of Balamb Garden, perfectly capable of making it on his own, feeling safe in someone else’s arms...another man’s at that...Not only right, perfect. Squall smiled “I think I might love you too.”

A/N: You have no clue how nervous I was. That was my first scene of that...er...nature, ever. Sure I’m done my fair share of yaoi rp’s but one: I’m underage, two: I’m a virgin, and three: I’ve never had to write it playing both roles. I hope it was decent, heh, I know it wasn’t that graphic. I’m scared FF.net will have my head if I make it too graphic. Sorry it took so long as well. I’ve been so busy it isn’t even funny. ::Sighs:: Hopefully the next chapter will get finished sooner. In the mean time I’ll try to keep up my current pace. Please keep reviewing.

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