Crush
Chapter Three - Secrets Revealed
Archiver's Note: Do not take this story and post it on your own page without permission from the author.
Authors Note: This chapter is in no way ment to be anti-gay, it's just there to help imphasize the point.
Crush
Chapter Three - Secrets Revealed
In all that I endure, of one thing I am sure
Knowledge and reason change like the season
A jester’s promenade
Lying at my feet I see the offering you bring
The mark of Cain is on our faces, borne of suffering
O, I long to hear you say it’s not been wrong
I stand before you now, a riddle in my song
The answer is that sweet refrain
Unheard it always will remain
Beyond our reach, beyond our gain
- The Pinnacle (Kansas)
‘Why does that fucking queer always stare at me?’ Seifer thought as he lay on his bed. He couldn’t help but think of the brown haired beauty, ‘I have to admit, though, I do like the attention that he gives me.’
"What in the fuck am I thinking?!" He roared aloud.
He looked around the room, glad that he was alone. He would have hated to try to explain his outburst. He sighed, his mind returning to it’s previous focus.
‘Why do I always act like such a jerk to him? He doesn’t deserve it. Nobody deserves what I say to him. So why do I keep doing it?’
‘What in the fuck are you doing! You don’t actually feel sorry for puberty boy, do you? How can you actually like that queer? He's a dirty little fagot.’
‘I can’t help it. I really love him. Every time I see him, I just want to wrap my arms around him, and kiss him until it hurts. I long to be with him every waking moment.’
‘Come on. You’ve had better than him. You shouldn’t be with any man, let alone that dirty little shit-packer.’
‘He’s not dirty!’
‘If he’s not dirty, then why don’t you go over there and screw him senseless’
‘He’s not dirty, and I won’t go because I don’t want to take advantage of him. Besides, he’s straight. I can tell these things.’
‘Yeah. That’s because you’ve been with every other fucking queer in Balamb.’
‘That’s not true. I’ve only been with two other que...guys.’
Seifer’s mind continued to debate with itself. He knew that it was crazy, but he couldn’t have this discussion with anyone else. What would they think if they knew he was gay? He really didn’t care what they thought, but he didn’t want it to be public knowledge. Seifer understood the unspoken rules of homosexuality, which were 1)Don’t tell a soul unless the other person was also gay, and 2)Don’t act like a pantywaist-coward. He had seen what had happened to other couples at the Garden, he was there when the Cid banished them for disorderly conduct. He worked too hard to get where he was now to throw it away for a cheap thrill.
But it wasn’t just another tryst that he was looking for. He was looking for a life long relationship. Deep down inside, he could feel his heart lighten, and then drop again as the harsh reality of life consumed him. The realization that he could never fully have Squall, crept into his mind repeatedly. The thought of rape had entered his mind, but he quickly dismissed it. He didn’t just want Squall’s body, but he also wanted his mind and heart.
With a sudden burst of energy, Seifer got off his bed, and walked out of his dorm. He couldn’t hide it anymore. He had to reveal his secrets. It didn’t matter anymore whether it was wrong or not. If Squall didn’t reciprocate, then too bad, but at least he wouldn’t be burdened with the uncertainty.
‘Don’t do it Almasy. He’ll reject you, and then where will you be?’
‘Come on, Seifer. You have to do this. You need him.’
His mind continued waging war with itself until he reached the door of the man he truly loved. His heart was pounding so loudly that he couldn’t concentrate. What would he say? How would he say it?
Seifer sighed heavily. "Oh well, here goes nothing."
He lifted his hand to the heavy door, hesitating slightly.
‘Still time to change your mind, Almasy.’
No. He couldn’t turn back now. He had to know what lay on the otherside of that door.