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Training Skills

Part 13 - Untrained Heart...

By Rain

"Aw, shit," I could hear Zell muttering.

A hand was placed gently on my shoulder, offering comfort I didn't want. If my body hadn't been shaking so badly, I would have shirked away from the touch.

Seifer...

Oh, God, why did he have to do this to me? Am I that unlovable? Is there something about me that chases everyone away? What? What was it? What makes everyone hate me so much? Why doesn't anyone want to stay with me till the end? What did I do that was so wrong? Is it because I'm too quiet? Am I too cold? Everyone always calls me the ice prince. Is that what everyone really thinks about me? Am I just a cold, unfeeling bastard to everyone?

From the very beginning of my life, everyone ended up leaving me alone. Laguna left me at the orphanage all alone. He didn't want me. He cared about Ellone more than he cared about me. Did he even want to look for me? From what I gathered from Laguna's past, he was always searching for Ellone...

What about me? Did my own father not love me? Why wasn't he searching for me? Didn't he...care? [1]

Then there was Ellone. How come she never came to say goodbye to me? I felt so lost when she left me at the orphanage. If she had the chance, would she have come to say goodbye? Or did she think I was an annoying brat?

I am an annoying brat, aren't I? I can't make anyone happy. I couldn't even make Rinoa happy. What's wrong with me? I don't want to be left alone. I don't want to be alone anymore.

Seifer...

Why can't he love me? Why can't anyone love me?

I'm alone.

I'm alone and hurt.

Why can't I stop crying? It feels like the tears will never stop. My chest is burning. My body is shaking. I want it to stop. I don't want to hurt anymore.

Stop...

Stop...

Seifer...make it stop.

~ Zell ~

Shit. Shit. Shit.

What am I going to do?! Squall is...he's...Squall's fucking crying! He's sitting on the floor, legs tucked under him, and balling his fricken eyes out.

Shit!

I've never seen him like this before. It's not right. Squall crying is not right.

Shit.

What am I going to do? His whole body is shaking, and everyone is staring at him in shock. A crowd is already forming around him.

Shit.

"This is for your own good," I told him, before I picked him up into my arms, and began running towards the infirmary, yelling, "SOMEONE PUT TABASCO SAUCE IN THE COMMANDERS EYES!!! WHOEVER DID IT, I'M GOING TO SKIN YOU ALIVE!!!"

I'm such a good friend, providing a nice cover up for Squall.

But I'm shocked that Squall isn't grunting any protests. Normally, he would have been shouting at me to put him down--okay, maybe not _shouting_, but making it clear that he didn't want me to carry him.

He hasn't uttered a word, though.

I glanced down at his face, noticing the flush of pink against his pale cheeks. His lower lip was caught between his teeth, and his eyes were shut tight with tears streaming down his face. I could feel his body shaking violently within my hold, and his breathing was coming out in hard, rapid pants.

"Squall?" I asked as I continued running towards the infirmary. "Shit, man, what's wrong with you?"

It looked like he was having an anxiety attack.

"Hey, man, relax a little," I didn't know what else to tell him. "Whatever happened can't be that bad, right?"

I'm not stupid. Whatever happened must have been _really_ bad to get Squall into this condition...

And lucky me...I'm the one who has to comfort Squall when he's completely broken.

If Rinoa were here then...

I grinned. I could almost imagine the light bulb above my head.

When I made it to the infirmary, I placed Squall's shaking form on the bed behind the curtain. Almost immediately, he huddled up into a little ball, facing the wall like a lost little boy. The harsh breathing his body took on only intensified, until Dr. Kadowaki injected some sort of sedative into him. Hey, I'm no doctor. All I saw her do was stick a needle in Squall's arm. And Squall didn't even seem to notice. He just kept shaking, and sobbing, until the drug took effect. His shaking subsided, his hard breathing turned into sniffles, and soon after he fell asleep.

I gave a deep sigh and leaned against the wall. Dr. Kadowaki was about to demand an explanation, when I reached for the phone on her desk and called Rinoa.

Rinoa would know what to do.

~ Seifer ~

I was trying to eat in the cafeteria when I heard some students whispering about Squall. At the moment, I was trying not to think about Squall, so I tried my hardest to block out their conversation.

It almost worked...until I heard the words, 'Infirmary' and 'Squall'.

I shot out of my chair and pinned the cadet against the wall.

"What did you say?" I growled through narrowed eyes.

"T-The commander w-was taken to the infirmary after he collapsed," he said with wide frightened eyes. "E-Everyone's saying he had a heart attack or something..."

A heart attack?! How can a seventeen year old have a heart attack?

God, the rumors people spread were some of the stupidest things I'd ever heard. While I'm sure it's possible for a seventeen year old to have a heart attack, I doubted that this was the case for Squall.

A broken heart...maybe.

I shoved the cadet against the wall because I felt like it. Then I stormed out of the cafeteria, heading towards the infirmary.

Had Squall gotten hurt in the training center? Or did he...

No.

I shook my head.

Squall wouldn't try anything stupid, such as killing himself. He's stronger than that, right?

A flash of Squall's tear-stained face entered my mind. He was so devastated and heart broken...I felt unsure about the actions Squall would take after our...break-up?

Fuck. What if he did something stupid?

The pit of my stomach felt hollow suddenly, and a wave of fear crashed over me as I broke out into a run.

What would I do if I lost Squall after all this?

What would be the point of living if he was no longer around?

I felt my heart pound as I raced through the Garden, feeling all sorts of emotions crest over me. I never felt worried about anyone in all my life--aside from myself, of course.

When I reached the Infirmary, Zell was crouched outside the door with his head buried in his hands.

"What happened to Squall?" I demanded, ready to beat some of the answers out of the small blond. I was so worried, I felt like I had gone crazy.

"Huh? What? SEIFER!" His blue eyes widened upon the sight of me. Then he glared at me and balled his hands up into fists.

"What the hell did you do to Squall?!" He shouted.

That pissed me off.

I shoved him out of my face with one arm, sending him flying back against the wall. "Never mind, chicken-wuss. I'll find out for myself."

Then I pushed my way passed him and stepped into the infirmary.

Dr. Kadowaki wasn't inside of the infirmary, but I knew that Squall was still here if the dork was outside.

"Leave him alone," Zell hissed from behind me. He was tugging at the sleeve of my trench coat like a fly. I pulled out my gunblade and had it against his throat before he could blink.

"What happened to him?" I demanded.

Zell glared at me, but said, "He had an anxiety attack," he spat. "Because of _you_, you fucking piece of shit. Leave Squall alone, dammit."

I sheathed my gunblade and stepped back. Then I said, "He told you what happened?"

"No," Zell growled, confirming my suspicions. I didn't think Squall would open up to the chicken-wuss.

"But I know that everything is _your_ fault," he said.

"Yes, yes, it's all my fault," I said, just to humor him. "Now leave me alone."

I pushed Zell out of the infirmary, and shut the door, locking it behind me. Then I looked towards the back of the room, where the curtains were closed. I was relieved that it had only been an anxiety attack, and a part of me was telling me to leave the infirmary. But, I missed looking at Squall's adorable face. Besides, he's probably sleeping. If he wasn't, he would have said something to me and Zell.

It wouldn't hurt just to look.

I moved across the room and pulled back the curtains, gazing in on Squall's sleeping form.

He was curled up into a tight, little ball: arms wrapped around his mid-section, and knees drawn up, almost to his chin. Tearstains were visible on his pale cheeks, and his eyes were red and puffy, even though they were closed.

My heart sank at the vision.

I did that to Squall.

I stood at the foot of his bed motionless. I didn't know what to do. How could I do something so cruel to Squall? I mean, I didn't do it intentionally, but I was responsible for the condition he was in now.

I'm such an ass.

......

I felt like an even bigger ass when Squall whimpered, "Seifer" in his sleep.

A week had gone by since I saw Squall in the infirmary. After I heard Squall murmur my name, I left.

I haven't seen him since. Although, I know he left the infirmary the following day. And I didn't bother to analyze the strange emotions I felt when I thought Squall tried to kill himself.

You should see the evil looks Zell and the others toss me. If it hadn't been because of Squall, I would have found their actions amusing.

"Seifer!" A voice shouted at me from behind.

I turned around and saw Nida running towards me to catch up.

I didn't bother to hide my wince. I can't remember the last time I talked to him. Ever since Squall and I started fooling around, I had no interest in fucking Nida. I mean, Nida's not a bad looking guy...but, come on now: Nida or Squall. Did you really have to think about it?

"I heard about you and Squall," he said as he interlaced his arm with mine. "I'm sorry about what happened."

It didn't take long for the entire Garden to find out Squall and I were no longer together; gossip travel far and wide.

I stopped in my tracks and looked at him strangely. "I thought you were afraid of everyone calling you a faggot."

Nida smiled. "For you, I'd endure it."

I rolled my eyes and tried to tug my arm away. I had sex with Nida dozens of times, but his touch was now alien, so different from Squall's. Squall wasn't clingy, but when he was, he was like butter: melting against any hot surface.

I didn't want Nida to touch me.

I told him that the day Squall and I started fooling around--when I told Squall I had to meet Nida for lunch.

"What do you want?" I sighed in irritation.

Nida gave me a hurt expression. Then he pushed me against the side of the wall, and kissed me, hard, upon my lips.

I was too shocked to react right away.

~ Squall ~

Even though a week had passed, the pain in my heart never subsided; it just got worse and worse every day. All I wanted was Seifer to hold me. I just wanted to be with him again.

I just wanted to see him again.

But when I rounded the dormitory corner, I saw Nida and Seifer, walking arm-in-arm down the hallway.

Seifer used to do that to me...

I felt my heart fall further down chest.

Then Nida seemed to sense my eyes on him, because he turned around and looked at me.

The hatred seemed to pour out of him in heat waves.

I knew I should have turned around and walked away, but my legs remained glued to the spot. Everything seemed to happen in slow motion: Nida pushed Seifer against one of the walls, and he glared at me once, before capturing Seifer's lips in a hard kiss.

I felt the world fall under me and my vision became blurry.

Before I knew it, I had turned around as fast as I could, and began running down the hall.

I didn't think the pain I felt could get any worse...but it did. I hurt all over: heart, body, and soul.

Only, I think everything inside me perished within Seifer and Nida's kiss. I felt empty, and alone, and completely numb.

Seifer loved Nida...

Not me.

To be continued...

[1] I would like an answer to that myself. From what I gathered through the game, Laguna never searched for Squall. *glares at Laguna* What's your excuse, old man?

AN: Since school starts for me tomorrow (the 26th), the updates may or may not take longer. ^^;; Please don't kill me...this chapter wasn't _that_ bad, right? I'll try to get the next part out soon. ^___^

~ Rain ~

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